Tuesday, June 16, 2009

It's Penance Baby! The Mel Gibson Rap Song

[Mel Gibson left his wife Robyn of twenty eight years for a Russian "Who-ore" who is due to have his baby but can't wait to come out with her crappy Russian pop music album in the meantime on which was FOUND this secret rap song by Mel on Side B if you pour Vodka on the CD and play it on a black market Russian DVD player...]

Yo Yo Yo
LISTEN UP!
This is Mel, Catholic Mel
Used to preach about goin' to hell
Now I've left my old lady
And hooked up with someone shady
Who, get this, will have my baby
Yah my baby number EIGHT
***************
You're saying "Whoa, Octo-Mel, Let me see if I got this straight?"
Weren't you the one building churches, making Jesus movies, preaching morals?
I'm beginning to think that what I see is just an
"H" "Y" "P" "O" "C" "R" "I" "T" "E"
Wait a minute...BREAK IT DOWN
*****************
OK you got me there it's true
My D.U.I. is nothing new
I called that officer "Sugar Tits,"
The dirt you throw, IT REALLY STICKS
But let me offer you some small clue
For what I will be going through
You can ALL see the cliff I'm heading to
It's called -- Do I have to spell it out for you?
PENANCE*PENANCE*
GOOD OLD FASHIONED CATHOLIC PENANCE!*
[Enter scantily clad dancing girls representing the seven deadly sins.]
***********
I found somebody ten times more ambitious than me
With one EIGHTH the talent oh baby can't you see?
My sins to first wife Robin will truly pale
To what I got coming from this pop star Russian tail!
And when the ash has finally cleared
then for once
I will finally be ---
PURIFIED MEL so contrite and pure you will see
oh wait and see
You will have such PITY on me...!
Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!
[Dancing girls carry Insane Mel off exit stage RIGHT...]

Monday, June 8, 2009

Dreamin' is Free at Liverpool Lil's!

So I was hanging out with one of my goof ball friends last night at "Liverpool Lil's" located right next to the former military base known as the Presidio and established in 1973. I like to pretend it is the exact same place that inspired James Blunt's melodic "1973" song and video seen here on Youtube even though that is unlikely since Jame's Blunt isn't from around here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAq0AbxhawI
***
So anyway we were enjoying the mysteriously delicious "White Chocolate Martinis" and wondering how they got all that chocolate flavor in something so clear and cool when my friend suddenly experienced a lightening bolt of a movie title idea.
"Vicki!" he said leaning forward conspiratorially. "I just got a great idea for a movie!" He looked around as if all the booze hounds were secret spies waiting to snatch the idea out of the air from us like bayou lizards waiting for flies.
"Victor!" I groaned, "This isn't like your idea that the Egyptian pyramids are secretly reversing time and ...?"
"Ha ha ha! Hey! That was a great idea. No...no..this is a movie title. Are you ready?"
"No." I said honestly and took another sip of the mystical drink. "Ahh. Now I'm ready. Houston, we have a solution!" I announced snappily to the Black Irish boozer to my left.
"Shhhh!!" Victor cried out, annoyed that I might inadvertently enlarge the social circle of his impending revelation. "I'm serious! Spielberg's idea factory is only a hop skip and a jump from this bar!...Are you ready?" "YES!"
" . . . Monster Island!"
I almost choked on the maraschino cherry so thoughtfully included with each and every Chocolate Martini served. "Are you kidding? That is what my SFGate Disher friend has as his "location" on his profile! Victor looked very upset. He wanted to accuse me or T_Shane or both of stealing the idea but he had the foresight to realize that would be ridiculous.
"It is a joke Victor..don't you get it? Monsters can't live on islands..they are too big!"
"No!" Victor shouted. "Haven't you watched the old original 'Land of the Lost' shows? They all take place in a very small area!"
I didn't argue with Victor. I congratulated him on his wonderful idea. Lot's of potential indeed. BARTENDER!!!